Relating to Dementia
Dementia – Things That Dreams Are Made Of?
Create a moment, hold a moment & perpetuate a dream
Dreams - Sometimes amongst the darker moments, our own sadness of losing someone slowly we can create a moment, hold a moment and perpetuate a simple dream to sustain some happiness in them.
A small story – relating to someone living with Dementia
My Dad, John Offen, now 91, is and always has been a very generous and kind man. He has been a hard working man, self employed for the majority of his working life. In this blog I discover the things that dreams are made of.
Farming Life & Animals
Always living a frugal life, my parents worked hard, with small pleasures. A farming family through generations, Dad always had animals in his life, dogs, cats and right from a boy there were horses in his life. Dad’s uncle Cecil used to frequently ride horses & was a frequent member of the local hunt. Dad told me that the farm had a working horse called Prince that as a ‘little shaver of a lad’ he would sit on.
Horse Racing & Saturday TV
One of my father’s favourite pastimes was to watch the horse racing on a Saturday afternoon, only a couple of hours, but enough to transport him to a different world mentally abandoning Mother to run our farm shop whilst he would watch the TV for that brief window of time.
Over the years he would study the trainers, the horses, the jockeys, he knew them all. I recall he was a betting man when I was quite young, with an ‘account’ at the bookies, but later when money was tighter than ever he stopped betting but would continue to study the form of these runners and riders weekly on the television.
Racing Syndicate – Atours
Then when I was in my early twenties, Dad acquired a share in a race horse, “Atours” was his name – a small syndicate owned him which meant that Dad could tell everyone he had a leg of the horse. He was as involved as much as he could be – my memory brings comments he made about copper in the soil, bringing a better quality of hay – to ensure the horse received the best nutrition & even a visit to the yard to see him ‘in person’. In fact I can remember driving him there & hearing Dad tell the experienced, knowledgeable Trainer Mr Elsworth exactly how to feed Atours. There were small winnings & even a lovely trophy, but ultimately the syndicate ended & I believe horse retired years later.
A Riding Horse – Zeus
Dad’s love of horses extended to him buying a pleasant temperamented warmblood who he called Zeus. This horse was offered to a young lady to ride who lived close to where Dad had moved to at that time. Dad showed great interest in the horse and watched his training sessions, enjoying the horse’s education, even though it was not a racing horse, but instead working towards a general and broader ridden career, including dressage and cross country. When Dad moved back to Kent, he left the horse with the young lady, happy for him to remain in his same stable with his same rider rather than move him and find a new placement. Generous to a fault.
Dad always showed a keen interest in my local yard where I rode & would regularly visit reviewing the horses as he went from stable to stable. Maybe I inherited his love of horses.
A Love Of Horses Continued
As Dad’s dementia has progressed his interest in horses has continued – a common love.
90th Birthday Present
For his 90th birthday I bought him a share in another racing horse, “Rock Steady” through a syndicate, just for a bit of fun. A handsome chestnut gelding, now 4 years old. It was only a small £45 share – no more than an eyelash, I regularly joke. We receive regular bulletins on the running schedule of the horse, its placement, the trainers reports and more recently the renewal cost of the next year’s syndicate. The horse’s success has been regular in his 9 races, reaching the finishing post, first, second and third – often with only 7 or 8 runners in the field. Generally, a feeling of achievement being conveyed in the reports from the stable and a great talking point with Dad on my visits to spend time with him.
As time passes, Dad’s decline has continued slowly, he has now been in his lovely care home for 18 months.
Holding the Moment of Pleasure
Tonight, when driving home, with no time to spend visiting Dad this evening I called him on the phone & had an opportunity to hold a moment of pleasure for Dad.
The conversation is one of many, both on the phone and in person which personify the type of decline experienced with dementia, after our limited pleasantries as he cant actually remember the contents of his day, the conversation went something like this;
“Im so happy, its such a good thing, I feel very pleased, that ‘you know who’ went and won again!”
I agree with Dad – “ this is such good news Dad, good to hear you happy and excited “
Dad responds “ you know that many people thought I was mad, after all, I heard them say to each other what does he know about horses. Yet I saw him and I knew he had something good about him, I saw it as he moved so well and that’s why I had to buy him.”
I agree again with Dad “ Yep, a great choice, no doubt about that “.
Dad went on to explain to me that Rock Steady loves to run with the sun on his back, when the going is Good to Firm, never when the going is Heavy or Good to Soft. He painted a picture of the horse winning by a length, goat glistening in the autumn light, his condition being fit and well due to his well kept situation. Of course, the trainer ‘Nightingale’ had something to do with that.
Dad asked me for the hundredth time this year, if I would take the horse some polos when I next see him and mention to Nightingale that he should move the horse a bit closer to us as he would like to visit.
I assured him I would do just that & of course I would bring the next race report in for him as soon as I got it (by email).
Leave the Logic Behind
Now, logic and rational thinking is hard to fight sometimes, I know that Rock Steady has not run in approximately 3 weeks & last time he did run, he came second, out of eight runners. I also know that the trainer’s name is Roger Charlton, not Nightingale & that I have never seen the horse, patted him or fed him polos in the year of the syndicate membership, but I also know that Dad is happy and that this is the thing he has always dreamed of. I know that by humouring his dream he remains happy, after all, dragging him into reality would not benefit him in the least. Im not saying I would fabricate, nor encourage lies, but for Dad, this dream is real, he lives it, loves it and the picture of Rock Steady on his sideboard makes him smile.
Create a moment, hold a moment & perpetuate a dream –
contact Jacqui for more information about how you can help a loved one or become a Dementia friend.
Dreams - Sometimes amongst the darker moments, our own sadness of losing someone slowly we can create a moment, hold a moment and perpetuate a simple dream to sustain some happiness in them.
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